Ladies and gentlemen, I am having one of THOSE days. It's started to creep in at work and now I'm feeling it on the internet again, which I know is stupid but there it is. So, I'll say it again - if I'm ever pissing you off then you need to let me know. Because I cannot judge. And my default position is to think that I'm pissing everyone off and to feel weird about sending emails and everything and, just, like, it's not a nice place to be.

Note: nobody has done ANYTHING to cause this. My neuro-atypicality is showing :b

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

There was a moment last night, standing in the Ricoh arena with 40, 000 other people when I just felt...normal. It's been a long, long year, if you count the year as starting in September and nearly being over. It's been a hard year and I've felt myself teetering on the edge of being really profoundly broken.

And then, for a moment or two, for the length of a couple of songs, I felt whole. And right.

So, on this tour, Coldplay are handing out wristbands and you put the wristband on and it lights up at various points during the gig. They're in about five different colours. Dark has crept in over the arena, gradually, as they've played so it's full dark. And then everything lights up. Everyone lights up. And all I could think about is what we must have looked like from above, like a constellation or a galaxy. I find light to be the most effecting of metaphors - we pass through time bleeding light, throwing it off like stars and it means that, somewhere, we're seen. Someone's always awake and dancing.

And I needed to be reminded of that so hard.

So thank you, boys. Thank you for Charlie Brown and for Paradise and for the fireworks and the lasers and the bouncing balls and the confetti and for reminding me that we're all interconnected in tiny, insignificant ways that, somehow, find a way to matter. I sobbed for the length of two songs, got myself under control, and then sobbed through the finale too. And at the end I felt tired and scrubbed clean but good. Really good. Like I'd finally drawn something out of me that was poison to begin with.

There's an XKCD poem that Hank Green quotes and it makes perfect sense to me now.
"We're the grown ups now. It's our turn to decide what that means."

My heart, my heart.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

TR Peeps: I've got a handful of tags in my inbox but I'm unlikely to get to them tonight because I'm off to see COLDPLAY on the opening night of their U.K tour. So...I will get back to you tomorrow ♥

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Currently reading 'Northern Lights' with one of my classes and it's making me really sad that I never ended up playing Lee Scoresby at TR, even though I now play Mal Reynolds and there's really not that much to choose between them in terms of character.

My type, let me show it to you.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Need to do some starts in a minute. Things I know I need to start:

- Craig/Bella
- Charlie + Alastair
- Raylan + Andrea

Anyone else need/want a thread with any of mine while I'm setting up threads? Everyone's available. ALSO, have I promised you something that I've forgotten? Let me know.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

I am about to go take another bath (the problem with climate control buildings - when the air conditioning is broken, they're unliveable), but I like this meme, so...you should prompt me.

Ask me anything about my headcanon for my characters. Original or fannish welcome!
I'll do TR, Generation Kill or...anything you know I've written recently ♥ If you THINK I've got an opinion, ask me. If I can't do it, I'll ask for another.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

my heart was too big for my body so I let it go (496 words) by eudaimon
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Attack the Block (2011)
Rating: General Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Moses (Attack the Block), Sam (Attack the Block), Pest (Attack the Block), Tia (Attack the Block)
Summary:

New York in Summer. Moses is on the edge of everything.

so shake the dust and take me with you (394 words) by eudaimon
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Rating: Mature
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Gale Hawthorne

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Well, Jesus.

Between classes today, I have mostly been in floods of tears. I started feeling slightly unhinged on the drive into work and it's gradually gotten worse to the point where poor N (one of my Heads of Department and possibly the sweetest man I know) has dealt with me in floods of tears not once but twice. Because I'm a fucking mess.

At least I ( look awesome )

Anyway. Tell me nice things. Pray I don't need to go back on medication for the first time in two years. Send me good thoughts.

Love, love, love.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Getting up and going to work. I feel really sick. Roll on Thursday.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Just dragged myself out of bed to go and collect Dad after working pretty much a 12 hour day yesterday and still not getting everything done. The thought planning another lesson RIGHT NOW makes me want to cry, so I'm going to get a little more sleep and then...probably pull another 12 hour day.

I feel like I'm drowning.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

So, in case I didn't mention it, OFSTED are coming.

I've been working for pretty much five solid hours and I'm not even halfway through today's to-do list. I pretty much don't expect to sleep until Wednesday evening. Which, let me tell you, sucks. Anyone who has the audacity to think that teachers aren't put under real stress needs to consider their position. Seriously.

I've planned two lessons on Romeo and Juliet and a double on Creative Writing. I've still got another Creative Writing, one on Northern Lights, one on Harry Potter and two Media Theory lessons to go. Plus a box full of marking and my data to sort out. And a case study they've requested on a kid who left last year.

( This is half my to-do list )

As I just mentioned on Twitter: if work continues to be this shit (and, let's fact it, it's been shit since...around October, at this point), I am going to have to seriously consider my position at TR. I'm not talking about dropping out completely, but I might need to look at who I'm playing and how I'm playing because, frankly, at the moment, I don't have time to breathe, let alone read books and write and RP and something's going to have to give.

The thought of who I'd drop makes me ill. So I don't think about it.
I don't know what to do there. I'm just thanking God I'm in a good mental health place right now.

Right. Back to that list.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Or I could just sleep for most of the day and then get up and start fiddling with my novel while listening to Lana del Rey.

Sometimes, days off are for breaking promises to yourself.

A question - would it be really sketch of me to have one of the characters in my novel strip down to her underwear because she needs to escape somewhere through an air-duct and it occurs to me that her dress would really get in the way of that. She's married to a pirate and she's a very pragmatic lady and she is with her husband and it wouldn't be sexualised, but I just need her to be in less fabric.

Thoughts? Opinions?
Personally, I think she'll be most sad about leaving her hat behind. In my head, she wears fabulous hats.

And now I have the image of her them, post escape and Gale's standing there in her shift and Wednesday's coat, and she looks awesome.

Hm.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Which means a free day off from work! As such, I plan to...

- Finish my application letter for yet another promotion I won't get but have to be seen to apply for.
- At least 500 words on the novel.
- Something else for the Fic(k) Fest at generation_kill
- Make a start on the 'Women in Combat' fic for traveller
- Take a bath.

At no point today do I intend to put clothes on. To that end, I'm about to put on Generation Kill. I might rewatch the whole series from beginning to end. I'm probably high due for that.

In other news, yesterday, I finished reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I'm not sure my heart has forgiven him yet. Jesus.

I just posted this on the blog but I wanted to put it here, too, for posterity:

“Whenever I’m asked what advice I have for young writers, I always say that the first thing is to read, and to read a lot. The second thing is to write. And the third thing, which I think is absolutely vital, is to tell stories and listen closely to the stories you’re being told.” - John Green

Neil Gaiman gives very similar advice. And it's never not been true.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Looking back through some old photos.

( this is my favourite picture of myself, I think... )

I don't think it's an accurate representation of what I look like on a day to day basis, if ever (and people who've seen me in person can attest to that) but I do think it's nice to think that, once, I looked like that.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

So everything is good right now, ( which is always slightly disconcerting )

Monday is a bank holiday which means I get an extra day off this week.
So everything is good. And maybe the other shoe won't drop this time.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Given the debacle that was yesterday, I feel the need to write something Generation Kill. I feel the need to sort of...assert myself again, I guess. So, to that end, I am taking prompts. Brad/Nate is my comfort zone, but I've written Nate/Ray before and I really enjoy writing Doc, Rudy, Poke, etc. So. I will take prompts. Leave me a comment with a character/pairing and a song lyric/piece of poetry/picture. We'll see what come of it.

Addendum: I'll do any AU if I've done it before.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Initial reactions to Avengers Assemble which I hauled ass to and caught the 4.15pm showing (in 2D. Because I hate 3D).

( Under a spoiler cut, of course... )

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

So mementis recced Lost Books of the Odyssey, my ~25, 000 word Gen Kill story. And it is the sweetest, most lovely and oddly moving rec that I've ever received. And I don't really know why.

I do know that it makes me want to write in a way that I haven't in fandom for a while - something epic and lovely. But my concern is that I carried that story around in my heart in one form or another from the age of 21. What if I don't ever have anything else like it in me?

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Watching NYC 22 1x01. In which...Stark Sands plays Nick Fick...in a Cop uniform. So far, apparently.
So, yeah, I will just watch this for the whole season, then.

( Reactions, I guess. )

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Started in on the list of things I have to achieve before Tuesday. You might never see me again.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Stolen from pjvilar:

Give me one of my stories (most easily found on AO3), and a timestamp sometime in the future (after the end of the story), or sometime in the past (before the story started), and I'll write you at least a hundred words of what happened then, whether it's five minutes before the story started or ten years in the future.

I'm trying to feel my way into fandom, so I'd like to stay with Generation Kill, although I will also talk about the few Hunger Games fics I've written.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

Title: we'll soar luminous and wired
Fandom: Generation Kill
Rating: NC17
Word Count: ~2000
Summary: At any time in New York City, there are people both awake and dancing. Sometimes, it's even them.
AN: Same story as before - the verse (Our Year Out of Time), belongs to the ever gracious and wonderful pjvilar. This is literally my favourite fanfic of all time and, wonder of wonders, I have been given permission to play with her version of the boys. And, occasionally, I do. This fic owes a lot to Anis Mojgani, the Bowery Poetry Club, Dave Eggers and Coldplay. And, of course, to the lady herself. Also, this is my first Generation Kill fic in literally months, and, so, it is a joyous thing. I missed these boys so much.

Light a fire, a fire, a spark
Light a fire, a flame in my heart
We'll run riot, oh
We'll be glowing in the dark

( It’s been warm all day but it’s still April so the evening air is chilly. )

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

1) I did not sleep well. I don't remember dreaming, but I do remember being awake a lot in the night. Shifting.

2) I hate travelling days. Travelling days are hard for a myriad of reasons, not least that I don't have to be at Newark until around 7pm, my flight isn't until 9pm, I get into London at 9am GMT, I have a train back to Birmingham at 1.45pm, so I'll get into Birmingham around 3pm, which is 9am tomorrow New York time which doesn't sound so bad, but with the time distance, it's just a lot of time in motion. I have to psyche myself up for that. I'm fine once I'm rolling.

3) Last night we saw Anis Mojgani read at the Bowery Poetry Club and Cafe. Accompanied by an excellent Open mic before hand, it was wonderful. He read 'Shake the Dust' and 'How She Makes Me Feel' and what I really want now is a tattoo that reads all that pushes and pulls and pushes and pulls it pushes for you but I don't know where I'd put it. Decisions.

4) electrumqueen continues to make me want to write 'Hunger Games' fic, but I haven't figured out WHAT yet. So prompts on that front might be useful. I could probably do anything except for Katniss/Peeta, which is not really my style.

5) But I am writing Generation Kill fic for the first time in months. Which is pjvilar's fault, indirectly. But these things so often are.

Basically, love love in all directions. I just need to remember how to move.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry

It is really rare that I remember dreaming. I don't think I sleep deep enough to get dragged into REM very often. I sleep lightly and I wake regularly. Last night, though, I dreamed, and it was one of those dreams though, not particularly disturbing, is playing on my mind.

My kids were doing a swimming assessment. When I say 'my kids', I mean my year 11 class, the ones who I'm building up to being observed by OFSTED with, the ones who are in the last stages of their GCSE and will be leaving soon. They were all in the water, and I was wearing a swim suit that I last saw when I was about 11 years old. It was my racing suit; I swam for a team when I was in my early teens. So, there was an official mark scheme for the swimming - what they would have to do to get the highest marks. I spend my life talking about mark schemes. So, I was lecturing them on what they had to do to get the real marks and this one boy, N, was fucking around (which is not entirely unlike him), so I got in his face and YELLED at him about what grade he wanted at GCSE and how was he expecting to get that grade, to which he then get really surly and unresponsive, which is not like him at all. I ended up coaching and sorting him out and he was fine, but the way he was made me feel kind of queasy? And then there was an added plot with a child at the bottom of the pool and my HoD but I felt so detached from that and weird. And just, it's ridiculous - it was a ridiculous dream - but it's still hanging around.

Can we say transference maybe? Can we say 'more stressed about school this week than I am letting on'. Marvelous.

Crossposted ( with comments) at my dreamwidth | comment at the original entry